Have you met the mattress-on-the-roof guy? He is the guy who thinks it is a smart idea to toss a new mattress on the top of his sub-compact, throw a cursory rope over the top, and hit the highway at 65 mph – while trying to hold on to the mattress with his left hand. Mattress-on-the-roof guy sometimes has an accomplice in the passenger’s seat.
I will admit to wondering what mattress-on-the-roof guy would do if he ever needed a new living room set. I wonder no more. I saw him in action not too long ago. It wasn’t a pretty picture.
Still Driving a Sub-Compact
Apparently, mattress-on-the-roof guy never learned his lesson about carrying things potentially larger than his sub-compact. It never occurred to him to either buy a pickup truck or leave moving big, heavy stuff to other people. No, sir. He figured his sub-compact was the perfect vehicle to carry the gently used living room set he purchased on the Facebook marketplace.
Best as I can tell, the new-to-him living room set consisted of an incredibly large sofa, matching loveseat, a coffee table, and two mismatched end tables. The love seat was perched precariously across an open trunk while the sofa sat atop the car. The ensemble was completed by all the tables stacked on top of the sofa to create a pyramid effect
And how was everything secured in place? With a single rope that went across the top of the load in several places. Mattress-on-the-roof guy was at least smart enough to feed the rope through his open windows, but that was only minimally helpful. His load still wasn’t as secure as it could have been in a utility trailer with a nice selection of Rollercam tie-down straps.
And Away We Go
I don’t personally know mattress-on-the-roof guy. I do not care to know him, either. But I can imagine his jovial state of mind upon loading his new living room set and preparing to hit the road. He couldn’t open any of his doors because he had roped them shut, so he made his favorite NASCAR driver impression and climbed in through the open window. One gleeful “and away we go” later he was headed down the highway at a rate of speed that could only be described as not suitable for the conditions at hand.
I’m not sure how long he had been en route when I pulled up behind him. I am not sure how much further he had to go when I safely turned off into my own neighborhood. But I can say that the entire journey spent within reasonable proximity of this rolling death trap sent shivers up and down my spine.
It is a good thing the wind was still that day. It would have taken just one good gust to pick up his sub-compact like a sail. A stronger gust may have ripped the sofa and table pyramid right off the top of his car.
Don’t Be Like Him
There is an important lesson in my story: don’t be mattress-on-the-roof guy. Do not even be like him. If you need to move big stuff that will not fit in your car, ask a friend with a pickup truck or rent something. And whatever you do, use enough tie-downs to keep your cargo secure. The rest of us don’t want your stuff.
I personally hope I never encounter mattress-on-the-roof guy again. I prefer a quiet life with not too much excitement. The last thing I need is another opportunity to follow him down the road for twenty miles or so.